Beauty in Diversity: Personalities

“It is so hard to love some people.” Have you ever said that before? Or at least thought it? I know I have. Sometimes, it’s just incredibly difficult to get past someone’s little idiosyncrasies or relational style. If you have a job that requires you to work with people… or if you have a family comprised of human beings… or if you ever leave your house to buy groceries… Okay, Okay… that’s all of us… Personality conflicts are an unavoidable reality. Sometimes, a certain person’s personality or relational style makes me go, “huh? really?…” Other times, I’ll get angry or defensive. Sometimes – and I’m not going to lie – sometimes, it makes me want to “give them a high five… in the face… with a chair…” as the saying goes.

"You look like you need a high five... in the face... with a chair."

I think of the plethora of personality and relational styles in the Bible:

Martha – the homemaking busy-body, easily offended and overly ambitious.

Mary – the eager drama queen, willing to cross cultural barriers and be labeled “odd for God.”

Peter – the bigmouth know-it-all, spending as much time retrieving his foot from his mouth as preaching the gospel.

Paul – the no apologies matter-of-fact preacher, struggling with how to be empathetic and still proclaim difficult, offensive truth.

Andrew – the socialite, ready at the drop of a hat to help a friend in need and often going out of his way to influence his friends for Christ.

Mark – the hyper-active boy, with his nose in everyone’s business, and his heart in the Lord’s service.

And of course, the list could go on and on and on. But these are all individuals whom God used mightily for His kingdom’s sake. Completely different – and so many biblical examples of personality conflicts and relational difficulties, even between those who were closest to Jesus. This tells me that different personalities and relational styles have their place in the kingdom of God.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone had the same relational style as me? How boring! How cliche! What about if everyone had the same personality as your Dad, or your Mom? Your brother or sister? Your 11th grade Chemistry teacher? No thank you – – – we can certainly find beauty in diversity.

But what is it that “sets us off” so often in this area? If we can recognize diversity in personality differences and diverging relational styles, why can’t we overcome the setbacks and difficulties they create? Lots of reasons, I’m sure. But I believe the very first step is to appreciate that God has given each of us a different personality and relational style, and each of those are just as valid and just as beneficial as our own. Quite honestly, churches are bad about this. We thoroughly enjoy bickering about XYZ’s over dependency on praise, ABC’s know-it-all-ness, or LMNOP’s fragile emotional state. Somehow, we’ve arrived at the conclusion that the idiosyncrasies which make us beautifully unique are no more than a form of polluted divergence from what is “normal” or “beneficial.” We’re committing relational darwinism (survival of the fittest) in our churches. “Those whose personalities and relational styles are acceptable to me can be a part of my clique and survive. But if your personality and mine don’t match up harmoniously, then it must be a direct result of inferior spirituality. You will not be included in my inner circle.”

How can we come to a point where we appreciate others’ individual personalities and relational styles? How can we go from, “That guy talks way too much and I’m going to avoid him at all costs” to “I wonder what’s on his mind today?” How can we go from, “She must think she’s perfect,” to “How can I pray for that sister and what spiritual, emotional, relational, or physical needs of hers can I meet?” I don’t have a lot of answers… but I honestly believe it starts with this:

Recognize that personality/relational diversity is a beautiful thing.

I’ve found that one particular thread which is woven throughout the fabric of all personality types and relational styles is that every person likes to be listened to. Sometimes, I’m really busy, and Talkative Tim will grab my hand and want to talk – I have to evaluate my options. What am I so busy doing? And is that more important than giving Talkative Tim what he’s really wanting – an ear? If it’s not Talkative Tim, it’s the Holy Spirit showing me that Silent Suzie is in the corner by herself while everyone else is chatting their breath away. She wants the same thing. Not to be heard – but to be listened to. To be understood and empathized with. We all need that. Can you be a listener? Can you learn to appreciate what makes others “tick?” Can you look past the personality and relational idiosyncrasies that set off your “I-wanna-get-outa-here radar” and honestly seek to listen to and understand someone else? Celebrate the difference in personality types. Appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of relational styles… that is, both those weaknesses/strengths in others’ personalities and in your own.


Grace and Peace,



  One thought on “Beauty in Diversity: Personalities

  1. November 10, 2011 at 7:02 AM

    Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a surveillance camera on my heart when I read some of these blogs because they are a little too convicting. 🙂 We had a youth minister once (a long time ago…when I was in the youth) w…ho very much facilitated holy huddles within the youth group and played favorites and many were left on the outskirts feeling as though they didn’t belong, fit in, had no place, etc. I am so thankful that I was favored (very much tongue in cheek). When confronted by a group of well-intentioned, concerned parents and church members, his explanation remained the same every time…Jesus had his own concentric circles of those who were close to him…the 70; the 12 disciples; then Peter, James, and John; and then lastly John being the closest to Him. As an adult now, I can see what a skewed perception that is and slightly manipulated interpretation of His relationships. I do believe it’s absolutely normal to have closer friends than others and stronger personal bonds with friends. I mean, what if we went around baring our souls to every single person and treated every single person as though they were our most intimate, closest friend. That would be a little strange, but it’s NEVER OK to leave others in the outskirts and then excuse it. Besides, throughout my life, I’ve found some of my dearest friends to be some people who I might not have that much in common with and who don’t look like me, talk like me, or think like me (Thank God!)!

    • November 10, 2011 at 11:47 AM

      You’re absolutely right – it’s imperative that we have those friends closest to us who have our permission to tell us the things we don’t want to hear, but really need to hear anyway… And that we have those with whom we know we can share any struggle at all and be assured that they’re laboring in prayer for us, and will go out of their way to extend their comfort and support. But, as you said, we should never exclude anyone at all from fellowship… even if our personalities aren’t a “match made in heaven,” … even if it takes initiative and feels like work. Thanks for commenting.

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